4:54 a.m.

i just came home from a long day of work. 10 a.m. to 4 a.m.. im tired, but i can’t go to bed immediately. but by the time i wind down, the sky will begin to lighten and the next day will begin.

i guess i have been home now for close to two months. everything moves by in a blur or maybe a haze. im two months here and still no closer to establishing a direction or “next step” if you will. maybe i am still in decompression mode, so its ok not to have purpose just yet.

most of my time is spent in the attic of my parents house. this is where i sleep and mess with my computer. if i am not here in the attic, then i am at my job, sitting behind a bright machine in a very dark room. i have done alot of sitting since returning and have the feeling that the waste is expanding. i am not terribly social. there are alot of folks round these parts that i could contact but i just don’t. all i want to do is to crawl into my cave and stay there.

i see my ladyfriend regularly at least. i think she is the only one that keeps me somewhat sane. although i have the feeling if you ask her, she probably thinks otherwise.

i get sad alot. missing kenya and sudan. missing the people. wondering if i will ever get a chance to return. wondering if i even want to return, or if i have had enough of that place. wondering how long it might take me to feel normal again.

it’s 5.03 in the am. sleep sounds like the best idea for the time being.